


The Dave List

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-01-23 21:20:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1579907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He had pushed his shades to the top of his head and his eyebrows are almost as high. There's just a bit of space between his lips and you see his tongue come out to wet them before closing them. And in his hands, he's holding your journal. Your personal journal. The one that you left open on <em>the list</em>. The one helpfully (or unhelpfully, depending on your perspective) entitled <em>The Dave List</em>."</p>
<p>Or, Dave and Jade try a bunch of new kinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The List](https://archiveofourown.org/works/803821) by [hazelgraceful (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/hazelgraceful). 



You've been working on this all day, and you are right on the brink of something amazing, you can feel it! All day your mind has been on overdrive from the excitement. Thoughts fly through your head at a million miles an hour. Some related to your work and some not. Those about needing to pick up sugar or remembering a movie you wanted to get for the next movie night go on sticky notes. Those about equations and materials and _that one detail you're missing that is going to make everything click_  either go into your spiral notebook or on sheets of loose leaf paper. The only drawback with this setup is you're having trouble finding things under all this fucking paper. It's really annoying, but you need to finish this thing and prove that you are better than Dirk.

You're not sure of the time when you hear a knock on the door. It could only be one person, and he barges in without waiting for an answer. "Yo Jade." You sigh, but otherwise ignore your nerd of a boyfriend. Dave doesn't seem to mind. He should be used to getting this kind of treatment whenever he interrupts your work anyway. As you continue shifting papers to find the screwdriver you need, he comes to look over your shoulder and try to be as annoying as possible. It stopped working long ago. He still likes to try though. "Still working on Gay Weeb 3.0?"

"It's Brobot 2.0, and it is going to be so awesome Gay Weeb 1.0 will be blown away," you correct him. With the screwdriver you just found, you tap him on the shoulder with all the fake disapproval you can muster. "And yes, I am. I'm trying to figure out how to make these systems efficient enough to run on less uranium than Brobot 1.0. The first thing I'm trying is rebuilding the chassis with aluminum instead of titanium to make it lighter."

"And that'll make it take less energy to kick Jake's ass?"

Sitting at the workbench, you pick up a screw and start putting pieces together. "It'll kick your ass too if you don't sleep with one eye open." You can't see him, but you just know he's flipping you off. It just makes you grin. "But yeah, that's what I'm hoping for. It's still not quite enough though." At least if your calculations are correct, and you did them three times each so they probably are. Aggghh, what are you missing?! All your ideas either have some terrible drawback, or turn out to be impossible. But you're close, and that excitement and optimism makes it easier to power through the frustration.

Dave rustles some papers or something behind you, but you don't really pay attention. "Well, all this shit is sweet and all, but if you don't find a stopping point soon you're gonna miss dinner and then you'll starve and die." You give some kind of hum to acknowledge him. Then you tune him out as you concentrate on the chassis. Or at least you try to, but some of it gets through and it sounds like "Blah blah working all day, blah blah. You're just as bad as bro. Bluh stupid bet blah bluh blah competitive streak. Blah blah and your handwriting sucks blah blah chicken scratch blah blah. Blah blah bluh bluh it's getting kind of...pegging?"

Your screwing stops just as suddenly as Dave's monthly Mama Bird Rant. You turn to fully face him for the first time since he entered the room. He had pushed his shades to the top of his head and his eyebrows are almost as high. There's just a bit of space between his lips and you see his tongue come out to wet them before closing them. And in his hands, he's holding your journal. Your personal journal. The one that you left open on _the list_. The one helpfully (or unhelpfully, depending on your perspective) entitled _The Dave List_.

God dammit.

What are you even supposed to say in this situation? _"Hey yeah our sex life is kinda vanilla so I was hoping I could stick a dildo in your ass and see what happens. Haha by the way how do you feel about furries?"_ Somehow you don't feel like that will help much. You're saved by Dave looking up at you and flourishing the notebook. "I wasn't supposed to see this, was I?"

You shake your head.

"Why not, dude? This fucking rules."

What. "What?"

He looks back at the list and you can see the beginnings of a smile on his face. "I come in here and discover my girlfriend is secretly kinky as hell? Fuck yeah, I am all kinds of down with that." Dave crosses the room in a few strides to sit next to you. "Why didn't you show me this earlier?"

Well, while this isn't helping the embarrassment, it's a relief that he isn't angry. But you kind of feel like maybe he wants to humor you and he's playing up his eagerness, either to placate you or to tease you. Except wait, no, eagerness? That's exactly what you did not expect from Dave. Your boyfriend of fifteen months, who you have been screwing for twelve months and living with for four months. Who, despite having plenty of opportunities to, never did anything wilder than a sexy full body massage on your birthday. So instead of answering his question, you ask one of your own. "You're down with it?"

"For the most part." He turns to the list again. "I am not giving you a golden shower and absolutely not letting you give me one. Also, you are not bringing guns, fire, or cattle prods into the bedroom. The rest is cool."

"You're serious?" It's not the absolute refusal to try a handful of those things that surprises you. It's the fact that he is willingly and eagerly entering negotiations.

One of his eyebrows quirks up. "I am." He holds your gaze for a few seconds, unblinking. You usually hate this look - not that bad things tend to come of it, it just looks wrong on him. It's his 'I'm being serious' look and Dave taking things seriously just is not supposed to happen. But sometimes he does, and this is one of those times, and for once you're glad. Once he knows you're convinced, he relaxes a little. "Really though, why didn't you show me?"

You let out a long breath at that. Apparently he had not forgotten that question as you had hoped. You find yourself unable to look him in the eye as you answer. "I just...I mean, sex with you is really great, and I didn't want you to think it's not. Like yeah, I want to try something new, but I love what we already do too." When did it get so hot in here? "That and it's kind of embarrassing, I guess."

Dave finally breaks out into laughter. He throws an arm around your shoulder and pulls you closer, and even as you grumble at him to shut up you bury your face in his neck. "Bless your heart, you're so weird and I couldn't possibly love you more." It always makes you smile when he says things like that, and today it makes your cheeks heat up too. You grunt at him instead of saying actual words back because saying actual words would mean having to look at him. His fingers start to trace circles on your shoulder as he speaks again. "We should probably start with the small things though, unless you want everything to be horrible."

"Well yeah, duh," you respond with a smile. You look down at the notebook still in your lover's lap and read through it. Most of these don't seem too out there to you, but some are definitely more tame than others. "I did write this list, so you can pick where we start if you want." While you're thinking of it, you turn to grab a pen off the table behind you, then set to crossing off the items he flat out refused. "And you should think of things to add too, if you like."

"Honestly, I kinda already had a mental list going, and bondage and a threesome were on there." With your pen poised at the bottom of the list, you turn to watch Dave bite his lip in thought. You give him a moment to think. After all, you did write down your list for a reason.

Finally, when he starts speaking, he speaks a lot. "Okay, this is going to sound weird. I don't even know if there's a word for it. But I want to watch you have sex, like with someone else. Not in a threesome though. Like, I'd be hiding in the closet or some shit. I mean they'd know I was there, but you guys would just be acting like I wasn't for the fantasy or some shit. Maybe you could even be saying like 'Dave isn't supposed to be back for like an hour' and pretending you were having this super steamy affair instead of, you know, not."

By the time he's finished, you've added voyeurism to the list. Dave looks down at it with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. "Oh. Cool."

You snort and resist the urge to roll your eyes. "Anything else?"

He's a little cooler now that you've agreed to one thing - and apparently now that he only has to say one word. "Spanking."

"You spanking me or me spanking you?"

Dave pauses again, and you wait silently. "Me spanking you." With a little smile, you nod and add it to the list. "And then also rimming, for both of us."

There you pause. That one you have to think about for a minute. You don't even know if you like butt stuff yet, or if he does. It'd be kind of a shame for him to lick your asshole only to find out you don't even like it. "Can we wait until we try anal to decide on that one?" you suggest. When he nods and tells you yeah, you add rimming to the list with a question mark.

"Okay, this one I don't have one word for either," he says again, but this time he's a lot calmer about it. "Could you maybe force me to come?"

The first thing you think about is that one episode of Law and Order SVU where this chick used electroejaculation on a rich dude so that she could get herself pregnant and claim he's the father. Then something else occurs to you. "Like some kind of rape fantasy?"

Dave blinks at you. "No, just like, I'd be trying not to come but then you'd make me. Either that or you'd make me come early."

"Sounds a bit too close to a rape fantasy." You grimace at him apologetically, and he shrugs. "Anything else?"

"A couple more things. We should do it when one of us is distracted. I could eat you out while you're programming your new robot that's supposed to be so much better than Dirk's, or whatever."

"You just want me to give you a blowjob while you play Pokemon," you tease, but you add it to the list anyway. You've got to admit, it does sound interesting at least. And it could potentially be a way to prevent Dave from derailing you like this next time he comes in while you're working! (Not that what you're doing at the moment is anything to complain about though, really.)

This time Dave continues before you prompt him. "This one is going to sound like a joke but I swear it's not, okay. We should do it in John's bed."

You can't help but laugh at him. You almost want to ask where that idea came from, but you're not sure you want to know. "It has to be John? It can't be, say, Nepeta?"

"No, it has to be John, because screw him." Still laughing, you add it to the list. You figure if you're going to consider doing it in a restroom in a gas station or something, you can chance having a go at it in John's room too. "One last thing." Once you finish writing, you look up at Dave once more. You gaze deep into his poker face awaiting his final request. He pauses dramatically and you automatically fear what's coming next. He tilts his head down, leans forward, and lowers his voice: "Call me Daddy."

You hit him on the head with your journal as he breaks out into laughter. You can't help but giggle with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I know jack shit about robots.  
> Anyway! This is a rewrite of an old fic of mine (linked at the top). It was just a one-shot, and I kind of wanted to do more chapters if I could ever find the time but then I never found the time. At this point I think (or at least I hope) my writing has improved since I wrote that, so I thought it would read awkwardly if I just. Added another chapter. Out of nowhere.
> 
> So this is just going to be Dave and Jade trying out a bunch of weird sex stuff, some successfully and some not. Honestly this is mostly going to be practice for me writing more realistic and more diverse sex, and also an excuse to write complete bullshit. There may be a few flimsy excuses for subplots though. For example, Jade and Dirk's bet, and an idea I've been tossing around involving John. That doesn't matter though. What matters is sex.
> 
> And finally, I would like to thank Cat for being my beta! Ze had lots of valuable input while editing this chapter.


	2. Strip Tease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a soundtrack, if you're interested! I wouldn't recommend opening the links until you've reached each song change, but I won't tell you how to live your life.  
> and so: [one](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbtPXFlZlHg), [two](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=538-Z9IbDOE), [three](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmT2yDoKLa8), [four](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H62wnWncPOc), [five](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJVzp4kvfTo)

1\. shower sex  
2\. cyber sex  
3\. bondage  
~~4\. gun play~~   
5\. sensory deprivation  
6\. strip tease  
7\. roleplay :D  
8\. pegging!!  
9\. threesome with another guy  
10\. threesome with another girl  
11\. 69  
12\. with food  
13\. sex tape  
~~14\. fire play~~   
~~15\. cattle prods~~   
16\. mutual masturbation  
17\. anal  
18\. choking  
~~19\. golden shower~~   
20\. with weed  
21\. public sex  
22\. voyeurism  
23\. spanking  
24\. rimming (?)  
25\. with a distraction  
26\. in john's room

 

You leave the work room close to tears and trying not to show it. It turns out that aluminum is much too weak a material to use for a battle android, and your chassis failed the testing you've just put it through. Now you're pretty much back at square one after you thought you were getting close to finished, which is just fucking spectacular. It's too late in the day to start anything new right now though. You're better off taking a break and coming back to it in the morning, when you've calmed down.

For now, you think food is the best thing to do next. You ignore Dave playing video games in the living room and make your way into the kitchen. You're not sure just how hard he's concentrating at the moment, but it doesn't really matter. If he gets interrupted when he's really absorbed, he gets irritated. You understand that completely. It's a habit you share. You also share the habit of interrupting each other, which you would probably do now if you were in a better mood.

This train of thought turns out to be completely irrelevant though. As soon as you open the refrigerator, Dave calls out "Lasagna's in the oven. Should be ready in eight minutes and forty-two seconds." Apparently he's not paying much attention to his game after all.

"That's a really specific time frame," you point out as you close the fridge again and go to sit beside him. "I mean, most people would just say 'in about ten minutes' or 'at seven.' Are you sure about eight minutes and forty-two seconds?"

"Eight minutes and thirty-three seconds now." Replying isn't worth the effort. Instead you turn your attention to the game. Judging by the graphics, you'd say its pretty old. At first it looks like a classic racing game, except there aren't any other cars on the road. You figure that just means he's either winning or losing and doing it spectacularly. That is, until he crashes into an oncoming car and it bursts into flames.

Smoke begins to rise from it as it slows to a stop. You feel Dave move next to you and figure now that he's blown up some virtual stuff, he's lost interest. You turn toward him and see that he's facing you instead of the TV now. "You're awful quiet," he says.

So, he noticed. You really don't want to bother him with your venting or bore him with robot talk, but he's set down his video game controller and is now completely ignoring the voice screaming that he's almost out of time. With a sigh, you decide to admit it. "The aluminum chassis didn't work. Now I have to start all over and I have no idea what to do."

You let Dave pull you into a hug and kiss your temple. "Hey, you'll figure something out. You always do." For a moment you just lean on him and watch the TV as it announces that he earned first place. Then he pulls away and stands. "Alright, wait here a sec."

Before you can answer, he disappears down the hallway. You turn around to try to watch him, sitting up on your knees and resting your hands on the back of the sofa. You can't see him though, so you have to settle for listening to him dig through his study. You consider following him even though he said not to, but you hear him come out before you can act on that thought.

He has his iPod in his hand when you see him again. While you're looking at it curiously, Dave is laughing. "Dude, you're literally like half dog, oh my god."

"Hey, that's not true." You turn back around to sit properly (sort of - your legs are crossed on the seat) and watch him do whatever it is he's doing. He turns off the TV and pushes the game console back toward the entertainment center, though you don't have any idea why.

He turns back to you again, and his mouth curls in amusement. "See, you're giving me this kicked puppy look and it's not helping your case nearly as much as you think it is."

"What are you even doing?" you ask as he starts pushing the coffee table to the side of the room.

"Making room." You groan at his non-answer, and he elaborates before you can ask. "Oh my god, you'll see in fourteen seconds."

Rather than question his weirdly precise time frame again, you decide to just count in your head and hold him to it when he's wrong. You watch intently as he picks his iPod back up off the table and drops his shades in its place. By the time you're halfway through your mental countdown, Dave is plugging it into the stereo. You still don't really know what his plan is - the only thing you can think of is he's probably got some new song to play for you.

When you actually recognize the song that starts playing (right at 'fourteen Mississippi', god dammit Dave), you're lost at first. Then he starts swinging his hips from side to side and it clicks. He's dancing. He's putting on a show for you. He does a body roll and it's immediately apparent what kind of show he has in mind.

_"Get jazzy on it."_

On one hand, he just had to pick this song, didn't he? On the other, he's a surprisingly good dancer. Like, really good. Plus, he looks hot enough running his hands over his thighs that you don't have the heart to tell him that when you wrote 'strip tease' on that list, you were imagining the roles reversed.

Two seconds later though, you're not sure if he's trying to be sexy or funny. It could be both, you guess? He turns his back to you and squats and legitimately starts  _twerking_  (Isn't that so last year?) but somehow it's alluring, especially when he stops and slowly rolls back up.

_"All I really need to understand is when you talk dirty to me."_

At the saxophone riff, Dave slows way down and goes from hot to just seductive. He lifts his shirt just above his belly button, and you think he's going to take it off and you perk up - but then he lets it fall and you let out a breath. That just makes him chuckle even as he rolls his hips. "Told you. Literally half dog."

"Oh, shut up and take off your shirt," you huff. To your surprise, he stills his hips and actually does it. Not to your surprise at all, he immediately grabs one end from behind his back and wipes it on his crotch. Several times. Only when the words start up again does he stop to twirl it over his head like a lasso. And then throw it at your head.

You pull a face as you toss it aside so you can go back to watching Dave. At the line  _"Our conversations ain't long, but you know what is?"_  he gestures to his dick, but besides that you think he's done for now.

He pulls his jeans down just a little, just enough to show the waistband of his boxer briefs. The black ones. That's just enough to keep your attention even as he does another body roll. You don't even realize you've licked your lip until you're biting it. How much longer is this stupid song, anyway?

You guess your staring is pretty obvious, because when you next make eye contact with him there's a smirk on his face. You expect him to make fun of you for it. Instead, he deliberately reaches down and unbuttons his pants - and goes no further. Yeah, he knows exactly how much he's turning you on and it is infuriating.

Eventually he throws you a bone, though. He does it slowly, but he does push his pants down to his knees. They hit the floor right as the sax riff ends for the second time and you distantly wonder how he managed to plan that so well. But inevitably, the slight bulge in his briefs pulls your attention again. It looks like he's got a pretty decent semi going on. You give him your best smirk at that, and he raises his eyebrows in response.

Dave steps out of his pants and toward you, only stopping when you can reach out and grab him easily. Then his hips start swiveling again. He hooks his thumbs in the waistband of his briefs, lets them ride down a bit, then moves his arms to your shoulders. Apparently, this strip tease has become a lap dance. You're okay with this turn of events.

He never quite comes onto the couch with you, never quite comes to rest on your lap, but god damn do you wish he would. You're not quite sure if the whole you-can-look-but-you-can't-touch thing applies when it's your significant other giving you the lap dance, so you're stuck watching and waiting as Dave dances.

When the saxophone comes back in, he finally rests his knees on either side of you. He starts getting up in your face, so close that you think he might actually touch you soon, maybe as the song ends. It's getting close, right? You bring your hands to rest just above his knees just to get a sign - and you do. He comes in closer, and you think his hips stop moving but you can't really see, and you're pretty sure he's about to kiss you. So you close your eyes.

"Oh shit, the lasagna."

Just like that, he's gone and he took the moment with him. A new, decidedly unsexy song starts and you sigh. You...don't really know how you feel about hearing this, but you've got bigger problems on your plate at the moment. "Aw, Dave," you whine, though you stand and follow him into the kitchen.

He slips on an oven mitt with one hand and opens the oven with the other. "Well, it was either this or let the damn thing catch fire. Is that what you want, Jade? A big fire in the kitchen? Shit's not cute in the first place, but like, the worst time for a house fire is while we're trying to get it on in the living room. I mean I know the idea of fire gets you wet for some reason, but it kills my boner, Jade. Kills it dead."

"Yeah, geez, we've already established that you don't like fire." You lean on the counter as he sets down the lasagna and turns off the oven. "Just go sit down, its my turn."

That gets you a wide eyed glance from Dave. "Your turn?" You give him your most condescending nod, and he throws the oven mitt on the counter. "Hell yeah, let's do this thing."

You smile at him before you go back to the stereo to change the music. He flops on the couch before he realizes what you're doing and groans. "What? No, don't change the music. This song is bangin'."

"Dave. I'm not stripping to Sailor Moon. Seriously, I watched that show when I was a kid!" He keeps squawking on about it, but you decide to ignore it. You have to pick a new song after all, and sorting through all his hipster crap takes a good amount of your concentration. You don't know most of these bands, and rather than risk letting something weird ruin the mood again, you look for playlists instead. Luckily he has one that looks promising - and sounds promising. You listen for a few moments just to make sure it's okay. (And Dave shuts up about Sailor Moon, which helps.)

This song is a lot slower and a lot more sensual. You're not nearly as good of a dancer as Dave but you're still setting a pretty nice mood here, especially since there aren't any lyrics to ruin it. He looks captivated, not critical, and after you drop your glasses on an end table your vision is too blurry to let you notice any change in that expression.

It's also too blurry to let you notice Dave's pants on the floor, which you trip over. He snorts as you land on your knees and yeah, mood soiled, but you have an idea. You can just roll around on the floor and make it look sexy. He's certainly not laughing anymore when you end up on your back and lifting your hips up, letting your skirt fall enough for him to get a peek at your underwear - and had you been facing the other way, he'd have been able to just look up your skirt. Actually, your reflection is probably in the TV, isn't it? Oh geez, you really aren't as good at this as Dave.

You roll up on your knees as quickly as you can and start trying a new tactic. Biting your lip, you start tugging at the hem of your shirt, pulling it up and down and out and oh god you're probably just stretching it out. Dave is pretty quiet as you pull the shirt over your head and drop it on the floor next to you. You don't really know what to make of that.

There's not really a sexy way to stand up, at least one that you're capable of, but you try your best anyway. This time you kick Dave's jeans out of the way before you start dancing again. It's only a few measures before you decide it's time for the skirt to go too.

This be a good point to start the lap dance part, you think. You might be a little better at that anyway. As you stand with one leg between his and gyrate your hips, you pull one of your bra straps off of your shoulder. Now that you're close enough to Dave that your view of him isn't blurred at all, you see him lick his lips. You wonder if any of your mishaps turned him off at all.

Rather than slide the bra strap off your arm completely, you slide both of your hands over your arms and then over your breasts. Your own breath starts getting heavier as you squeeze them. Dave actually groans when your hands start traveling down toward your legs.

You move to straddle his lap with a smile. "Something wrong?" You blink a few times, trying to appear as innocent as you can while giving a lap dance.

You drop down onto his lap before he can answer. He sucks in a breath at that. Then he flicks his gaze down to your chest and back to your face. "When are you going to take that off?" You notice with pleasure that his voice is strained with the effort of keeping it even.

To be completely honest, you're getting pretty impatient as well. Seeing Dave like this always makes you hot and you want his hands on you now. You figure you can kill two birds with one stone by asking "Why don't you do the honors?"

Considering how quickly his hands are at your back after you say that, you'd say he likes that idea. Mission fucking accomplished.

The cold air isn't on your breasts for two seconds before Dave's hands are covering them, squeezing them even. You have to kiss him for that, dragging your lips over his as slowly as you can stand to, moaning into his mouth when he (probably accidentally) pinches a nipple.

At this point you realize this has become less of a lap dance and more of...well, dry humping with music in the background. This is nice and all, but not nearly as nice as it could be. You break off from him to ask "Did you happen to grab a condom?"

"Yeah, in my jeans pocket," he says. He groans when you pull off of him to go fetch it. "I'm telling you, Jade, this is why we need to keep condoms in the couch cushions. Or maybe just hide them literally everywhere in the house. They could be like Easter eggs, except instead of candy they have sex inside."

You sigh as you pick up Dave's pants and try to figure out where the pockets are, and which one has the condom. "Oh my god, Dave, no. People come to our house and they could find them."

He snorts at that. "And then what happens? They know we fuck? Oh no, what a disaster. Like, the only thing I can imagine that would be worse would be finding out Dirk heard us when I was still living with him. Oh, wait..."

"Okay, fine, but what if someone steals it? What then?" You manage to find the dang condom only when you turn out a pocket and it falls on the floor. You bend down to pick it up quickly as you can. And the music changes - wow, maybe you should work on your stamina if you didn't even get through one consecutive song before deciding you need a dick in you stat.

"Alright, first off, none of them would be able to use it because my dong is too massive." (You roll your eyes at that - he wears a medium.) "And second, none of them have any use for condoms because all of them except Rose are hopelessly single, and she's a lesbian."

You give a dissatisfied hum as you return to Dave - who has already gotten rid of the underpants and is now touching himself, either to keep himself hard or to give himself some relief. Either way, you find it ridiculously sexy. "I don't know, John and Roxy seem awful close lately."

Dave plucks the condom out of your fingers and rips it open while you step out of your panties. "Okay, can we save the gossip for the post coital chat? Not that I'm not interested, but while we're getting it on is not the best time to think about John getting it on."

You're tempted to point out that he started it, but he's got a point. You'd rather ride him than argue with him anyway. He helpfully holds the base of his dick in place as you lower yourself onto him.

It takes you a bit to find an angle you like. When you do though, it's not hard to find a rhythm - this song is slow like the last one, and you find you really like being able to take all of him so easily when you go so slow.

Dave's breath comes out in long hisses and short huffs as you let out tiny moans. Then he lets out a series of short huffs in a row and you recognize it as laughter. "Hey, you know we're having sex to a song called Everybody's Parents Will Die, right?"

You freeze halfway up his dick. "No, I didn't know that! Why did you have to tell me that?"

"Because it's hilarious." He runs his hand up your leg, barely caressing the inside of your thigh and fuck, you have to keep going.

You glare at him even as your hips begin to move again. "You're a huge hypocrite, I hope you know that," you say. "First you talk about how fire and John's sex life are such boner killers, now you're bringing up death while we are literally having sex."

He sighs, but he brings a hand up to your breast. His touch makes you shiver. "Okay, point taken. How about we both think about John and Roxy having a kid and then burning to death and call it even?"

"Deal." You just know that if John ever had a child, he'd name it Casey. Roxy would probably think Casey is a pretty gender neutral name, so she'd let him have at it as long as she got to name the next one Calmasis. Sadly, she wouldn't have the chance to bear a second child because of the fire. Who would take care of poor Casey Egbert-Lalonde? You think either you and Dave or Rose and Kanaya, since nobody would want to be a single parent. No fucking way you're letting Dirk try to raise a kid, anyway. It's probably better for Casey to be with one of their surviving relatives - so either Rose, Jane, or Jane and John's dad. He's getting on in years though, and you've already established that Casey would be better off with two adoptive parents, so Aunt Rose it is.

Dave interrupts your thoughts with a particularly deep thrust of his hips. "You're actually picturing it, aren't you?" You know the implication there is that he wasn't picturing it - at least not in as much detail as you - but now that he's meeting you thrust for thrust you can't even manage a good glare.

The music changes again, and once again you don't recognize the song, and once again you don't care. Dave has an arm wrapped around your waist and he's pulling you down in time with his movements. That plus the song change ruins your rhythm, but you can't find it in you to complain as he shudders and stiffens, and relaxes with a groan.

You ease off of him as he stills, not wanting to push him when he's sensitive. He doesn't give you a chance to finish yourself off, though - his fingers stroke your folds and push inside of you. The heel of his palm rubs against your clit as his hand moves. You're trying your best to ride his fingers by the time you finally reach your own climax and then collapse against him.

You sit there like that, your arms around his neck and your head on his shoulder, until your breathing evens out a bit. Meanwhile Dave pulls your hair to one side so he can press kisses to your neck and shoulder. Overall you'd have to say this was a success. You straighten up and pull him to you for a proper, but quick, kiss. "Time for lasagna?"

(Turns out your dinner has gone lukewarm, but even lukewarm store-bought lasagna tastes like a five star meal if you get to eat it naked on the couch with your boyfriend.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The game Dave is playing in the beginning is Destruction Derby 64 and it is a game I actually own. I suck at it. B)
> 
> So, I realize I've removed pretty much any sense of suspense I might have had. Uh. Sorry. But at least now you know you won't be randomly slapped in the face with a scat fic or something. And now that this chapter is finally up, now you have a better idea of what kind of silly bullshit to expect. (Although, honestly, this chapter was nearly twice as long as I had planned on. Not that I'm complaining.)
> 
> Like last time, thank you to Cat for beta reading this chapter!


	3. Mutual Masturbation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the hiatus! Life kind of kicked my butt for a month there and I didn't have internet access. To make up for it, I have a three chapter update. As always, many thanks to Cat for beta reading.
> 
> Enjoy~

1\. shower sex  
2\. cyber sex  
3\. bondage  
~~4\. gun play~~   
5\. sensory deprivation  
6\. strip tease -make this a thing  
7\. roleplay :D  
8\. pegging!!  
9\. threesome with another guy  
10\. threesome with another girl  
11\. 69  
12\. with food  
13\. sex tape  
~~14\. fire play~~   
~~15\. cattle prods~~   
16\. mutual masturbation  
17\. anal  
18\. choking  
~~19\. golden shower~~   
20\. with weed  
21\. public sex  
22\. voyeurism  
23\. spanking  
24\. rimming (?)  
25\. with a distraction  
26\. in john's room

 

You read the line next to Dave’s finger and look back up at him with a coy smile. “Why that one?”

He raises an eyebrow right back at you. “Why is it here?”

“Nope.” Crossing your arms over your chest, you shake your head. “I asked first, you have to answer first.”

Dave considers it for a moment, but he shrugs. “Fair enough. We said we’d start small.” He runs his finger down the page. “Of all these, that’s the smallest. Like, it’s really small. The smallest sex you can imagine.”

You have to concede him that. It’s not like you’re doing anything new with this one, really. You’re just watching each other for a change. “Alright. Well, it’s on the list because I like seeing you with your hand on your dick. Also, because if I can watch you do what you like, maybe I can give you better handjobs later.”

“You give awesome handjobs.” You’re about to tell him that it’s not really the point, simply a plus, when he decides to continue. “I mean, if you really want to improve, the best way to do that is practice.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself. Literally.” Without further ado, you find the zipper on the side of your dress and yank it down. You don’t pay attention to what Dave is doing as you shed your bra and panties too. Usually you aren’t totally naked when you masturbate, but you’re usually wearing pajamas instead of a dress, and usually nobody is watching you. At least they shouldn’t be.

By the time you’re sitting on the bed pretty much ready to go, Dave is still turned away from you and working on his fly. You’re tempted to go help him but…well, that would kind of defeat the purpose here, wouldn’t it?

You flop backwards with a groan. “Come on, bro, we don’t have all night.”

Dave doesn’t even bother to turn around. “Yes we do. Jade, it is half past seven, we literally do have all night.” He’s dropping his pants as he continues speaking. “Well, okay, I guess night time really starts at six, so we’ve wasted about an hour and a half eating out at fucking six thirty with the senior citizens. But neither of us have anywhere else to be for at least another twenty hours. This ain’t gonna take no twenty hours.”

As he finally shuts up and removes the last of his clothes, you start laughing at him. “Wow, so touchy. That was not a necessary rant.” You neglect to mention that six thirty is a perfectly normal dinner time, and only fifteen minutes earlier than your usual dinner time. You don’t care enough to argue about it.

“You’re not necessary,” he mumbles, but he apparently doesn’t care enough to say any more than that either. He flops on the bed and rolls on his side. “Alright, so are we doing this at the same time or taking turns? Cause I’m flaccid and it might take me a bit to get it up if you’re just gonna lay there.”

“Hey, I’m not turned on either,” you say. You wonder if you should just start your usual foreplay, but again, that seems to be defeating the purpose somehow.

Dave seems to be thinking along the same lines when he huffs. “So how do we turn each other on without touching each other? Do not answer with dirty talk or pornography, because I think we’ve proven that we’re both absolute shit at dirty talk, and I’m willing to bet our porn tastes don’t line up.”

You huff too, because banning dirty talk sounds so boring. “But your taste in porn is like, porn parodies and those awful clips you find on free sites.”

“Jade. Shit. How do you know what kind of porn I watch?” You blink at him, but he just goes on. “We don’t share a computer or anything. Do you spy on me? Have you hacked your way into my spank bank? Dude. That’s so fucking creepy, no.”

“Dave, you told me you watch porn parodies! Remember when you said you were looking for something new when you found that Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff one?” You flick him on the forehead as he looks surprised that you remembered that. (To be fair that was like a year ago. Still, he and Rose watched it together. They’d even tried to get you and Kanaya to join them and make it a double date.) “Anyway, if you have some kind of routine or something, that might help.”

After a moment, he rolls over to dig through the drawer of his end table. “I don’t know if it really counts as a routine, but I have this lotion I use. John says you shouldn’t use scented lotions, but I say John sucks.” You inhale deeply, but before you can ask why he keeps bringing up John and telling you not to, he pulls out a purple bottle and presents it to you.

“You’re saying you use this stuff every time?” You grab it from him to examine the bottle. “Dark Kiss? Holy shit this is Bath and Body Works stuff. Dave, oh my god.”

“It smells awesome. Seriously, smell it.”

You pull a face and throw it back at him. “No way, that’s your dick lotion! I don’t want to sniff your dick.”

Dave catches the bottle without blinking. “I swear to God it doesn’t smell like dick. Rose uses the body wash, dude.”

"That doesn’t help your case at all. And John’s right anyway, how does that shit not burn you?" You wonder if Rose knows about this. Apparently John does, so you hope he’d have the decency to tell her she smells like Dave’s dick.

“It’s just skin, god damn. Just pull out your boob lotion so we can do this.” Before you can even tell him that you don’t have boob lotion because what kind of weirdo would have boob lotion, he puts a finger on your lips. “I know you don’t have boob lotion, that’s why your boobs don’t smell like dark berries with a kiss of vanilla.”

You bat his hand away and turn to you own end table. “No I don’t have lotion, but I do have this.” You brandish your personal massager in his direction, untangling the cord as you show it to Dave.

“What the fuck kind of vibrator is that?” He grabs it from you, tilting it this way and that as he examines it. “That’s way too big to actually go in you, what the hell? Jade, it has a  _cord_.”

“It’s a hitachi, Dave,” you say. He looks back at you with eyebrows raised, as if you didn’t answer his question. Well, you guess you’ll have to show him how it works. Without another word, you roll over to plug it in and take it back to switch it on.

You prop yourself up on your elbows and spread your legs. Dave simply rolls out of the way at first. Then he crawls around in front of you, sitting between your shins so he can actually see what you’re doing.

You ignore him at first as you glide the vibrator gently over your folds, and you accidentally brush it over your clit. The vibration makes you gasp and the cool plastic makes your back arch. Then Dave opens his mouth and it gets significantly harder to ignore him. “Damn, how come I never get that reaction out of you in two seconds?”

"Does your finger move at five thousand rpm?" It really is only seconds before you’re wriggling a little at the sensation.

Meanwhile, Dave is leaning over to pick up his stupid lotion again. “I love it when you talk science to me,” he says as he squirts a dollop on his palm.

You’re tempted to take the opportunity to explain exactly why he should not be using that - it’s biology and chemistry, right? But he spreads his own legs and rubs it onto his cock before you can say anything. Instead, you ask, “How come I was never able to smell that, anyway?”

"I don’t really jerk it anymore." You raise your eyebrows, and he shrugs. "Don’t really need to if we’re having sex three times a week. Last time I did was…" He pauses, tilting back his head to think as he strokes himself leisurely. "I think when you and Jake were on that hunting trip."

You remember that hunting trip well. It was four days and three nights long, just over three months ago. The second night you’d had to relieve some tension too. The third night you accidentally overheard Jake doing the same.

That’s not a memory you’d like to revisit now, so you drop the subject and watch the man in front of you. He is very careful to only touch skin, but he squeezes it hard enough to at least look like it hurts. As your own breathing starts to get heavy, his hand already starts to pump harder. Your gaze switches to watch his expression.

His eyes are on you. More specifically, his gaze is trained on the vibrator and your hips rolling. You switch to the higher setting and watch Dave bite his lip and swallow.

You fall back and reach your own orgasm before you really know what’s going on. It’s not so much intense as it was quick - you don’t think that was even two minutes. But when you shut the thing off and look at Dave again, you get to watch him finish himself off. Thankfully he has the idea to aim his cum away from your crotch and let it splatter on the bed.

When his hand falls away from his dick to wipe the lotion off on the blanket too, a short silence falls between you two. “That was…a little lame in the end,” you say.

"Wasn’t horrible. I’d rather be touching you though." Casual as ever, Dave reaches for the hitahi and picks it back up. "But I think this little dude can stay."

"Little dude?" You start to laugh at him, but he ignores that in favor of turning the vibrator back on and brushing it against your crotch again. Your knee-jerk reaction is to try to close your legs in shock. But before Dave can take it back, you let them fall open again and lay back.

He follows you, looming over you while holding the vibrator in place. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”


	4. Drug Use

1\. shower sex  
2\. cyber sex  
3\. bondage  
~~4\. gun play~~   
5\. sensory deprivation  
6\. strip tease -make this a thing  
7\. roleplay :D  
8\. pegging!!  
9\. threesome with another guy  
10\. threesome with another girl  
11\. 69  
12\. with food  
13\. sex tape  
~~14\. fire play~~   
~~15\. cattle prods~~   
~~16\. mutual masturbation~~  
17\. anal  
18\. choking  
~~19\. golden shower~~   
20\. with weed  
21\. public sex  
22\. voyeurism  
23\. spanking  
24\. rimming (?)  
25\. with a distraction  
26\. in john's room

 

"Ready for take two?"

"Ready when you are."

You watch Dave set up his hookah, since you have no idea how to and you don’t want to break something. This time you try to concentrate on him and what you’re doing here. Part of why this didn’t work last time was probably because your mind was somewhere else when you started. You definitely did get high - but you had an epiphany about carbon fiber and wrote it on your water bill because you couldn’t find blank paper. Meanwhile Dave was laughing because you told him it was used in race cars, and carbon has the word car in it. Neither of you were in the mood by the time you remembered the plan. You ended up rolling around on the floor and just talking, which was still pretty nice.

Today is a little different. First, you’re not obsessing over your work anymore. (You feel a little bad for that, but Dave has assured you that he thinks it was hilarious.) Second, his shades are already off. You’ve always had trouble breaking eye contact when his shades are off. Third, you’re fighting the cotton mouth with water instead of beer. You had heard that mixing gave you a better high, but all it really did was make you drunk as well as high. And finally, you’ve put on Dave’s chill playlist that you ended up having sex to - though this time, it’s about half the volume it was when you danced to it.

Dave picks up his lighter and takes his first hit as if he does this every day. Then you remember he did back in high school. He and Terezi used to smoke with their dealer and build cities with cans of energy drinks and cheap soda. (That’s where the dealer got his nickname – the Mayor.) Rose would even join them if she was drunk enough. Those days are gone now though. Dave decided to cool it when everyone turned eighteen and Jake and Roxy were arrested for possession of stolen prescriptions. It was actually you and Jane who turned them all in for reasons you can’t quite remember (and you’re sure it wasn’t for their own good - Jane was the one who had given them to her friends), though Dirk got off free since he’d fucked off to the middle of nowhere.

High school was a wild ride for your group.

You’re snapped out of your reminiscing by the hose waving in your face. “Yoooo, Jade. Earth to Jade. You gonna get high and lemme smang it or no?”

“What does that even mean?” you ask, but you grab the hose anyway. “Before you say it, I know it’s a sex thing, because of context. But is it a specific sex thing?”

With a shrug and a vague “I don’t know” noise, Dave picks his lighter back up and drops the subject. He looks at you with it poised over the bowl. You take a deep breath, and exhale with a nod. As he lights it, you stick the hose in your mouth and suck. Dave removes his lighter when you remove the hose. The smoke burns the back of your throat, but you hold it as long as you can. You do pretty well until you have to exhale and you cough a little. “Jesus, I will never get used to that.” The smoke has fogged up your glasses, so you decide to just take them off and lay them on the coffee table.

Dave nudges you lightly with his elbow. “Yeah, you will. I mean, if this becomes a regular thing again. It probably won’t if the Mayor doesn’t come back.” As you try to remember where the Mayor went and summon the energy to care, your boyfriend takes another hit. He lights the bowl for you again and this time you cough a little less. You hand the hose back to him after, signaling that you’re through for now. Maybe you’ll have a few more after you’ve actually gotten over your coughing fits.

He decides to take another hit as you sip your water. He tilts his head back and blows some smoke out of his nose. The air is a little hazy around him now as he does it again – but this time he only holds it a little longer than a second before he starts blowing smoke rings. So cool. You wish you could blow smoke rings, but it’d probably take you like eight tries to learn. Instead, you ask “Do you know any other tricks?”

With a smirk, Dave looks back at you. “A few. Come here, I’ll show you one.” You’re a little reluctant, but you’re a lot more curious. You scoot a little closer to him on the couch until your thigh is touching his. “It’s called shotgunning, but you need two people for it.”

“Wait a second,” you say. “I thought that was when you poke a hole in a beer and chug it.” You’re actually pretty sure that’s what it is. You specifically remember Roxy trying to convince Jane to shotgun a beer last New Year’s.

He nods at you. “Yeah, but this is also shotgunning. It’s just one of those words with two definitions.” You frown, but he continues anyway. “So for this, one person takes a hit, then blows the smoke into someone else’s mouth, and then they blow it out.”

“So you’ll take a hit and blow it into my mouth?” you ask. It actually sounds kind of funny, but it also sounds fun. It also sounds like it could easily devolve into making out, which is conducive to your goal. “Okay, sure.”

“Cool.” Dave takes one more hit, this time breathing in much more deeply than before. You make eye contact and signal to him that you’re ready before he drops the hose and presses his lips to yours. You try to make sure your mouths are open but sealed together so that none of the smoke is leaking out. That part goes fine - it’s almost like kissing, but without everything you like about kissing. After a few uneventful seconds he breaks away chuckling. “You have to suck it in, you can’t just sit there.” As you watch the smoke clouds disperse, he raises his lighter again.

This time you catch his arm. “Well, that’s boring,” you say as you take his lighter from him and drop it. You’re not in the mood to learn this trick anymore. It might be more exciting if you were doing this with someone else, but with Dave it’s just lame.

Though you thought you failed spectacularly at sending the message, he seems to get it. He pulls you toward him with a crooked smile. “Then let’s do something fun.”

And you kiss him, slow like the background music. Now you don’t have to worry about air escaping and you can actually move your lips and your tongue against his. He tastes like smoke, but you don’t mind. His arm around your neck falls a little so his fingers can stroke your shoulder. Everything is soft and slow now.

Your kissing does slow to a stop for one long beat, but neither of you say anything. He pulls you back to him as you’re leaning forward anyway, and he falls on his back. That’s perfectly fine with you. You do have to pause to adjust your legs, but it’s worth it to just…lay on top of him and kiss him.

But as always, you start wanting to push it further. You move from laying on him to straddling him, and from there you can actually touch him. You end up with one of your hands in his hair and the other moving along his chest. Dave responds with a hand in your hair and the other resting just above your knee.

Dave’s hands mostly rest though. His fingers idly play with your hair as your hand moves from his chest to his stomach. When his arm flops down and just stops everything, you stop too. He grunts in dissatisfaction as you sit up. “Sorry babe, I’m too high to move. I did, like, what, ten hits?”

“You did not!” you protest, even as you try to remember. He took the first hit, then you did yours, then he did…some more….and he blew smoke rings and you tried to shotgun and stuff. Before you can count all that up though, Dave is laughing.

“No, no, see, I hit it too many times,” he says, pointing at the hookah. You look over at it, but it’s the same as it was when you left it. You turn your attention back to your boyfriend when he finishes his sentence. “And now I’m too high to hit it.” Now his finger is pointed at you, and he’s started laughing like an idiot again.

This time you laugh along with him, though you pound him lightly on his chest. “You’re such a massive dork. That was terrible.” As Dave continues laughing too hard to speak, you offer a suggestion. “I can just ride you if you want.”

You expect him to be totally on board, but he shakes his head. “Nah, I got a better idea. Well, two better ideas, but one is nachos.”

"Oh, that sounds good…"

"The other is you can sit on my face." The first thing you think is those probably aren’t mutually exclusive. But Dave wouldn’t get to share, and his fingers playing on your skin where they can reach are more too tempting to pass up right now.

You don’t actually know how to say  _'yes I totally can sit on your face'_  without blushing. Thankfully, as Dave’s hands slide up your legs and under your skirt, you don’t think you need to.

He goes for your panties as soon as he realizes you aren’t going to give him any resistance. They’re only about halfway down your thighs when he can’t get them down any further without you adjusting somehow. So you stand and let them fall to the floor, and when you get back on the couch you’re straddling his face instead of his hips.

At first you hold your skirt up with both hands to keep it out of his face. Then his hands clutch at your thighs and you feel his tongue on you. You let your skirt fall over his head and grab the arm rest for balance. He laughs gently out of his nose, but doesn’t react otherwise - leaving you free to enjoy the tip of his tongue licking between your folds and searching for the right pattern.

It takes him a few moments of random (but pleasant) strokes to find your clit. As soon as he does, he starts doing that alphabet trick, because of course he does. It still has you gasping by the time he gets to B though.

You try your best not to hump his face, you really do, but sometimes he does something exactly right and you squirm. At some point you lose track of the letters, and you think he has too because he’s doing V and then N and then T and then C.

It’s when you let out an actual moan that he stops and lifts your skirt out of his face. “Is that offer to ride me still on the table, or?”

"It very much is." You scramble off him to fetch the condom off the table as he pulls his pants down just as far as he needs to and no more. He doesn’t bother with his shirt at all, but you don’t mind. All you really care about is getting the rubber on him, which you’re able to do in seconds by now.

You straddle his hips once again and you have to hold the base of his dick to get the tip in. But once it is, Dave surprises you with an upward thrust. He groans as his hips connect with yours. “Thought you were too high to hit it,” you say with a smile.

He smiles back without any shame. “I did too.” Then he grabs your hips and pulls out about halfway. You wait for him to establish his pace before you start bobbing up and down on his dick.

For Dave’s sake, you breathe deeply and try to hold out long enough for him to catch up. You concentrate on the music instead of his breath. You try closing your eyes so you can’t see his flushed face, but you can’t keep them closed for that long either. He must notice your efforts because he thrusts harder. He wins easily when he says your name.

Even as you moan through your climax, you feel a little bad for reaching it this soon. That is, until you come down and realize that Dave is getting close too. Close enough that you decide to ride him through it. It’s only a few seconds before his hips start jerking randomly and his eyes fall closed.

When he finishes, you finally pull off of him only to lay back down. Dave doesn’t make any move to take the condom off or even complain about you crushing him. All he does is place a kiss just above your temple and ask, “Can we still get nachos?”

You laugh at him a little. “Yes, we can still get nachos.” But neither of you actually move until you realize the music has stopped and the sun has set.


	5. Cyber Sex

1\. shower sex  
2\. cyber sex  
3\. bondage  
~~4\. gun play~~   
5\. sensory deprivation  
6\. strip tease -make this a thing  
7\. roleplay :D  
8\. pegging!!  
9\. threesome with another guy  
10\. threesome with another girl  
11\. 69  
12\. with food  
13\. sex tape  
~~14\. fire play~~   
~~15\. cattle prods~~   
~~16\. mutual masturbation~~  
17\. anal  
18\. choking  
~~19\. golden shower~~   
20\. with weed -could be good if we stopped trying to fucking plan it  
21\. public sex  
22\. voyeurism  
23\. spanking  
24\. rimming (?)  
25\. with a distraction  
26\. in john's room

 

Tuesday night finds you in bed with your laptop. It doesn’t happen all that often anymore since you moved in with Dave, but he does have a life. Kind of. So if he’s still out at around eleven, which is the current time, you’re usually screwing around online until you get tired enough to sleep.

He’s not just out of the house tonight, though. He’s out of the state. He’s in another freaking time zone, actually, and it sucks. You wish he could at least tell you why he’s there. All he could say was “it’s movie stuff” and “Terezi is coming with” and “oh shit I have to call Terezi”. Like, you’re happy for him and everything, but you’re just so bored. Free time after sunset is boring without your boyfriend.

You try to occupy yourself by chatting with your other friends before they all get either busy or more boring than not talking to anyone. Rose suddenly got tired when Kanaya went offline. John felt the overwhelming urge to prank Jake right at that moment. Jake complained to you via phone about a virus that made his computer do nothing but play a video of a stick figure giving another stick figure a pie in the face. Roxy was bragging to you about how she did most of the work behind that glorious trick when an alert sound and an appearance of red text told you that Dave was online.

TG: hahaha i knew youd be on  
TG: thanks babe you just earned me twenty bucks  
GG: youre one to talk!! youre in hollywood and what are you doing now?  
TG: ok but i got up at four  
TG: for confidential things that are going well thanks for asking  
TG: also i went to every starbucks within a twenty mile radius of my hotel so score  
GG: that doesnt count as sightseeing you dingus :P  
TG: im not here to sightsee  
GG: neither is terezi but shes not spending her free time online  
TG: wow cyber high five

You don’t really know how to respond to that (you honestly didn’t intend to make the blind joke there), so you switch windows to give Roxy a quick apology – only to find that her last message was “oooooh daveys on ill let yall be gross 2gether” and then she stopped pestering you. So that’s fine.

GG: no but really  
GG: why is she there?  
TG: why wouldnt she be  
GG: well okay this is obviously sbahj related  
GG: and terezi doesnt have anything to do with it really?  
TG: false  
TG: ok i do all the work but shes like most of the inspiration  
TG: her and her blind bullshit shenanigans  
TG: particularly her weird drawings  
GG: i thought i was your muse  
GG: wow dave  
GG: that hurts :(  
TG: shes less like a muse and more like a  
TG: i dont know like a blind chick i guess  
TG: like she just does weird shit and i use sbahj to make fun of her  
TG: and that is the basis of our friendship  
TG: its kinda like beyonce and jay z  
TG: where i am obviously yonce  
TG: using my album to tell the world my husband comes too soon  
TG: but jay z isnt her muse hes just jay z  
TG: and solange thinks hes creepy because he keeps trying to lick her face  
GG: are you talking about dirk now?  
GG: what does he have to do with anything?  
TG: nothing im the important one  
TG: it just helps make the point  
GG: yeah i guess you couldve brought up those rumors about you and obama  
TG: pfffahahahaha  
TG: oh god that should be my goal  
GG: the affair or the rumor?  
TG: the rumor obv  
TG: i want a photoshopped image of us on the cover of the trashiest tabloid  
TG: thats how i will know ive succeeded in life  
GG: i will do all i can to help you get there  
GG: because now that ive put the idea in your head youre not going to shut up about it!! :P  
TG: wow  
TG: here’s a subject change to prove you wrong  
TG: why arent you asleep yet  
GG: its only eleven  
TG: yeah youre usually in bed by then  
GG: i am in bed!!  
GG: technically  
GG: i have my laptop with me but i am in bed  
TG: so youre not ready to sleep  
GG: nope!  
TG: me neither  
GG: havent you been up for a billion hours though?  
TG: yeah but its early  
TG: and i miss you

You giggle a little at that, and start grinning as you type your response. It occurs to you that Roxy was right – this is about to get disgusting. But the thing about you and Dave is you never get romantic without eventually getting sexy. Or at least trying to. You tend to ruin the mood.

GG: i miss you more  
GG: its boring without you here D:  
TG: i wish you couldve come too  
TG: but youd be left alone like twelve hours a day anyway  
TG: hollywood has like  
TG: shopping and stalking b-list actors  
TG: as far as fun shit to do  
GG: at least we could complain in the hotel together though  
GG: or maybe not  
GG: i dont think id be complaining about being in hollywood  
TG: oh really  
GG: well it cant be that bad!!  
TG: no  
TG: but if we wouldnt be complaining then what would we be doing

And there it is.

GG: straightwhiteboystexting.tumblr.com  
TG: hey now  
TG: i am a bisexual korean man and bisexual korean swag shines through in all my actions  
GG: but you sext like a straight white boy  
TG: i dont though  
GG: do too  
TG: how do you even sext like a korean  
TG: do you like  
TG: turn it into a romeo and juliet type story  
TG: except theyre from north and south korea and they dont off themselves at the end  
TG: romeo romeo wherefore art thou north korean  
TG: deny thy kim jong un and refuse thy  
TG: shit i dont know enough about east asian politics to continue the metaphor  
TG: im out of touch with my heritage help me out  
GG: if you dont shut up im going to stab you!!!  
TG: haha then what ;)  
GG: feast on your corpse!!!!!!  
TG: your weird enthusiasm about cannibalism is so hot

At this point you know he’s joking, but you can’t tell if he’s half serious or not. You neglect the conversation for a moment to get your giggles under control. Then you decide the silliness can wait until after you’ve figured out Dave’s intentions. He’s not going to tell you if you don’t ask.

GG: you know whats hotter?  
GG: putting the ironic hipster douchewad rubbish on hold for a few seconds  
TG: you are so jakes cousin  
GG: its the most accurate way ive ever heard to describe you and your brother  
TG: point taken  
TG: so  
GG: sooooo  
GG: do you or do you not want to?  
TG: want to cyber you mean  
GG: uhhhh……  
TG: yeah  
TG: i thought we could take advantage of the separation since its on our list and shit  
GG: okay thats all i needed to know!!  
GG: you can bring the irony back now  
TG: sweet  
TG: so  
TG: what are you wearing jade from state farm  
GG: oh my god i shouldnt have given you permission to be a little shit  
TG: you were supposed to say khakis  
GG: you were supposed to say something sexy!!!  
TG: i think youre underestimating the amount of effort it takes to be sincere  
TG: for every second of sincerity i have to take two seconds to be doubly ironic  
GG: okay were getting off topic!  
TG: yeah youre right  
TG: i still wanna know what youre wearing though  
TG: i havent been wearing pants this entire time  
GG: wait, really?  
TG: yeah i took them off as soon as i got to the hotel  
GG: like  
GG: in the lobby?  
TG: no on the sidewalk  
GG: im assuming you did this because pants suck and so do the police  
TG: well partially  
TG: but i was also hoping youd be online  
TG: so that terezi would have to give me a twenty  
TG: but also because ive been looking forward to this all day  
GG: all day you say?  
TG: yeah i had this idea before i even got on the plane  
GG: geez i wish i wouldve known  
GG: i wouldve put on something nice for you  
GG: all i have on now is one of your old shirts  
TG: shit no thats perfect  
TG: you can save the pretty stuff for when im there to see it  
GG: or maybe for when its not in the laundry  
GG: but it just gets in the way anyway  
TG: yeah thisll be easier with you bottomless

You realize at this point that you haven’t actually started yet, and now you’re getting turned on. Geez, that happens way too easily recently. It hasn’t even been two days since the last time Dave’s dick was in or near an orifice of yours and you already can’t wait to do it again. On the plus side, the Welcome Home Sex should be amazing. You switch from sitting with your legs crossed to kneeling with your thighs spread, sitting back on your feet.

GG: so youve planned something already?  
TG: yeah kind of  
GG: wow you really have been thinking about this all day  
TG: i resent that  
GG: have you been rocking a boner all day too?  
TG: eh about half mast  
TG: tell me how wet you are

Following his instructions, you feel between your legs with the tip of one finger, just enough that you can tell and then describe it to him. It’s difficult to keep it to just that and not to immediately start fingering yourself.

GG: well  
GG: im not really dripping or anything yet  
GG: but im getting there  
GG: my finger is kinda messy from feeling it  
TG: so youre touching yourself  
GG: not anymore  
TG: no go ahead  
TG: slowly though  
TG: just kind of tease yourself for now  
TG: and describe it to me  
GG: well  
GG: im touching myself  
GG: slowly though  
GG: just kind of teasing myself for now  
TG: ..  
GG: hehe sorry! bad habit  
GG: i picked it up from you though  
TG: fair enough  
GG: ok so im only using one finger  
GG: kinda stroking up and down but not sticking it in  
GG: im trying not to move my hips but i cant really help but do it a little  
TG: haha damn  
GG: dont laugh at me!  
TG: sorry its just kinda awesome youre that horny already  
TG: go ahead and stick it in  
GG: ok im doing that  
GG: slowly  
GG: are you touching yourself too now?  
TG: not yet  
TG: im pulling my underwear off  
TG: grabbing my lotion so its on standby  
GG: is it the bath and body works stuff again?  
TG: dont hate  
GG: whatever makes you feel sexy i guess  
TG: right stop kinkshaming  
TG: youre supposed to be fingering yourself  
GG: i am!

At about this time you realize that you have reached a point in your life where sex feels wrong without this kind of banter. In fact, you would go so far as to say the banter with Dave has become a staple in your sex life that turns you on even more. May God have mercy on your soul. You laugh as you read his next response.

TG: sweet  
GG: youre so expressive  
GG: i think you can start too now  
TG: yeah okay  
TG: so im doing that now  
TG: my dick is gonna smell so good at the end of this you have no idea  
GG: i do have some idea actually  
TG: stop being a hater  
TG: go fuck yourself  
GG: hey now!! i already made that joke at you once  
GG: you dont get to recycle it!!!  
TG: it wasnt a good joke when you made it either  
GG: :P  
TG: hey jade  
TG: when we get home can i rub some of this stuff on you  
GG: fiiiiiine  
TG: i mean right when we get home after you pick me up from the airport  
TG: i miss you and i want to touch you all over  
GG: you dont need an excuse to do that ;)  
TG: it aint no excuse  
TG: you need lotion for a massage  
TG: fact  
GG: ugggghhhhhhhhh dave i want your dick in me now!!!

After you send that, you push yourself up on your knees and lean forward to prop your weight on one hand. At that angle it’s a lot easier to pleasure yourself. You draw in a shaky breath, and add a second finger. As Dave types, you try to keep your movements slow.

TG: not that im not hella pumped about this but im gonna take my time with you  
TG: youre kinda hilarious when you squirm  
GG: what a charmer  
TG: ifkr  
TG: can we do it on the living room floor  
GG: shit yes!!  
TG: actually lets scratch the lotion  
TG: bc after i touch your body i want to lick it too  
TG: and lotion is probably poisonous  
GG: probably  
GG: you probably couldve found a sexier way to say that  
TG: probably  
GG: it doesnt matter i still want it so bad  
GG: id probably let you do anything you want  
TG: shittt  
TG:   
TG:   
TG:   
TG:  
TG:  
TG:  
TG:   
TG:  
TG:   
TG:  
GG: dave??  
TG: sorry i just came thinking about that  
GG: oh god

Now that Dave is already done, you don’t have to hold out anymore. You abandon your typing and pick up your movements, harder and faster. You think about Dave imagining you, how he was touching himself talking to you and thinking about what you’re going to do the next time you see each other. Pesterchum dings again several times in a row. You groan as you look up and try to concentrate on reading them.

TG: no but imagine dirty talking to a dog  
TG: “oh yeah you like that dont you bitch"  
TG: like at that point its not even dirty talk its just accurate  
TG: assuming its female  
TG: or identifies as such  
TG: do dogs have gender

You do a double take and slow your fingers. You read the messages through again, and scroll up a little to see if you had forgotten some mention of dogs. Nothing makes sense even after that though.

GG: um…?  
TG: oh shit sorry  
TG: wrong chat window  
GG: wow dave  
TG: oh shit oh shit

Letting out a long sigh, you pull your hand out from between your legs and sit down. You stretch your legs to give your knees a break and wipe your fingers on the sheets. You’re not sure if you’re crankier that you didn’t get to finish just now or more eager to hear the story that is definitely behind this.

GG: what were you even talking about??  
TG: okay so john might have pestered me when i got on  
TG: and maybe i never found a good point to end the conversation  
TG: and then it turned into making fun of dirk and we went from his horse fetish to general bestiality  
TG: and then its possible i asked john if i could cum on his tits when i get back  
TG: he said no because hes a terrible best friend but i dont think thats the point  
GG: no it is not  
GG: its okay you can cum on my tits instead  
TG: thank you

He doesn’t say anything after that, and you don’t know how to respond anyway. You don’t think it really matters. Dave seems way too embarrassed to continue. What a shame. It was really hot until he flew too close to the sun.

Before you either get a response from Dave or come up with one, you get a message from John: “keep your boyfriend away from my boobs.” You rest your face in your palms when you realize that neither of you will be able to live this down. It couldn’t have been Jake, or Aradia, or even Equius. They would’ve let the whole thing go (well, you might have had to bribe Aradia, but at least it would be possible to convince her to forget it happened). It had to be fucking John, who has probably already sent a transcript of his conversation with Dave to at least five people by now.

You have got some serious damage control to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously though, kids. Scented lotion should not be used on or near your genitals. One wrong move and your crotch is burning.


End file.
